“Not Having Enough”


Broken Glass
 
 see how and why the world falls apart ?
all I know, is that I have my “know”
I have my heart, my mind, my spirit
how else am I supposed to get through this life, this instant.
 
I don’t know what to call what you have
but its all you have
you have twisted it, made it your vice
I acknowledge
you’ve made yourself unable to sleep at night
you can’t and wont let go
because it’s all you have in life
I don’t know how to help you get it right
 
even if I tell you there is a problem
you say im wrong
if you tell me the problem
and I dare to agree?..
im still wrong
really…
this can’t go on
 
© Da Absentee 2012
 
*****
 
I am not different or special when it comes to having downtimes or upsets in life. When we make the commitment to share this life with another person we sometimes have fights. We  have confrontations. This is a representation of what one of those unpleasant but real conversations anyone in long relationships will have. When one disagrees with the other or you find yourself in a cycle that’s needs to be broken. Well I have been there. I have written about it.  I’m moving on…
 
As Always…
 
Stay Positive! 
 
 

Scribbles – 17


No sense …

perpetrating me and you
so tell me
what you wanna do
possible yet improbable…

so love me or leave me boo…

Clox Da Absentee

“Thoughts – 18”


thoughts

Define touch from kiss
heaven to bliss
a metamorphosis

Enveloped in beat, ice cap heat
constant traffic to a good street
you weigh down; beat up
thought my choice words would be enough
I thought we already brought this up
moved on
we already sung this song

but her we go again
down these roads of indecision
I have really nothing more to say
I have said all I wanted to say
as for everything else I could say
i`ll hold my tongue

nothing good anyway
I pray  for rot for decay
every time we talk this way

im done
I just want to see progression
I don’t even know if I would like to speak
try to be discreet
maybe…
jus get up and move my feet

opposite direction
do you even realize
how frustrating this is for me
granted I know your demeanor
was undoubtedly caused by me
but from day one
I have dealt with transparency
like nothing… easily

we both put ourselves out there
we took a path that most wouldnt adhere
is it wrong to doubt even for a little bit
that this was wrong
can’t I fall victim to negative thinking
can I not be human
can I not look at other women 

just so we can focus
can I not have friends
my one and only…

its like you try to take so much from me
somethings are just as special
just as dear to me as you and me
how can you not be first
when everything else has to come after you

I tend to our family everyday
our needs our securities
I have no family without you 
friends in close proximity
but you accuse me
of putting others before you
I really don’t know what to do

this mud of us
I am stuck 
I am suffocated without anyone trying
applying to understand 
 I don’t understand

© Da Absentee 2011

*****
 
This should probably be called “Pages from my Diary” but I had said before that the “Thoughts” category would be filled with writings that are really me going through the motions of writing. To write. Sometimes I can’t write the next thing until I write these things that weigh heavy.
 
As Always…
 
Stay Positive!

“Behind Your Eyes”


someday i’ll realise
whats behind those eyes
I’m hearing but not listening
the waves are deafening 
the torment of the banshee keeps me separating 
I am thinly skating 
crazed to adhere
I can only picture me
somewhere else but here

when you speak
I can’t comprehend what I hear
I try to look into your heart
all I see is heat
all I see is hurt
all I see is pain
a dark portal
blank parchment
I see blood run behind those eyes
after the attack of me
you would have me feel as you feel
tie me up and batter my heels
empathy and desperation shared
fuck with my head
drive me to the brink of insane
wanting me to yell your name
pleading for forgiveness
expose my heart from my breast
vegetable fry me to death

played one to many games
snared one to many jeers
you wanted to be feared
that way a guard would always be up
behind those eyes
you hate my guts
I see bruises, open cuts a slither and grimace of…
” I’ve had enough “

I take your silent shivering
as restraint from acting out your emotions
the pacing and cussing below your breath
an act of coping with the stress
I have taken everything from behind those eyes…

Even I look around and asks whats left?…

© Da Absentee 2012

*****

All relationships have their ups and downs. Knowing that you cause someone you love pain is always upsetting (on purpose or not). Dealing with emotions and temperaments is to say the least “not an easy task”. Admitting or knowing your wrong sometimes helps with the healing process, but it doesn’t make it any better.

As Always…

Stay Positive!

“That Feeling”


     That feeling …
     that where do we go from here?
     that how did we get here?
     that how to get back to where we were?

     Feels like you can’t even talk
     can’t even speak
     communication is obsolete
     pull and find yourself a shell.

This is how you stay.
a great communicator
but only with what you have to say.

You push, argue and antagonize
keep each other on guard
never to compromise 
you close your eyes.

 
Try to create and find
wanting escapes
because your trapped in life
also caged in your mind.

 
Using the allure of fantasy
helps keep you sane
holding onto sanity
are you understanding…

 
It’s not the fact that you don’t comprehend
matter of fact you relate
that this is…
what it is…

Just once in your life
you are going to lose a friend 
you can’t even pinpoint the need for separation  feeling.

 
That falling apart
that growing apart
your together
yet traveling apart.

When you hit the dark
that wall
that stifling feeling
that only you are seeing.

You take and hold
affirm and conform
those insults
don`t even chip the others rock hard form.

 
Their emotionless fortress
nothing you throw
really hits its mark anymore
especially when done in negativity.

 
Your comparisons
of trying to make others see their wrong
always go wrong
trying to make them feel small.

Your just weak…
they are strong
this couldn`t happen
for and with you.

 
Lost the long for their touch
still can’t resist their touch
yes you love them this much
mind stays running this much. 

Your done
your confusing
if you focus
you could get this right.

 
But whats the use
you don’t want your nights
or your future
much less a real reason
to get it right…

© Da Absentee 2012

*****

Well there are a lot of emotions wrapped up in this one. Sometimes we get so lost in the day-to-day that just the little things, after building up can just cause a massive breakdown of your infrastructure. Being married in a relationship and living and trying to cope with this life, really takes a toll on everybody included. The point is never to get to the point of where this piece has taken. Where you have given up and don’t want to struggle, find or continue. You don’t ever want to get to “that feeling”.

As Always…

Stay Positive! 

 

“Silly Love”


CHORUS:

Silly love
I need your love
type i`ve been dreaming of;
makes me laugh
makes me cry
keeps me hot
to dry my eyes;
I need it there
to be the one
to make me mad
and make it fun;
I need it close
I need it far
I need you
wherever you are…

V1:
trying to reach you
let me know
is this the end
thought we got past all that
we were together
forever
down for whatever
cool, calm, collective
couldn’t be better
before anger & frustration
before blood & emotions racing
we were one
love was true
not dazed
not confused…

V2:
everything just came
never thought
what to do?
What can I do?
Things that I want to do
where to begin?
You tied me up
but still
i`m gone with the wind
fallen into the lust & sin
festering
don’t know if I can be without
ever again

V3:

you took
me & my heart away from here
took it somewhere
so far
told myself
I can`t be here?
You took me away from me
in that
loving you dearly
seems like we fell flat
bad times
we got that down pact
got to
got to make it up to you
sorry boo
can`t stand
the back and forth we do
but I needed it
like I need you
this…

Chorus:

silly love
I need your love
type i`ve been dreaming of
makes me laugh
makes me cry
keeps me hot
to dry my eyes
I need it there
to be the one
to make me mad
and make it fun
I need it close
I need it far
I need you
wherever you are…

© Da Absentee 2011

******

Song Lyrics:

I’ve found that when I go into song writing mode I tend to keep it real simple, I don’t know if it’s a sub-conscience thing where I want everyone to understand or if it is a gift to break it down to just a linear understanding. I am always pleased with my results but knowing my mind goes so much deeper it has always been a question that I pose to myself. I guess it’s just one of the mysteries of me; the quest to be and do better, to do more. This is an attempt to breakdown one of those love-hate, bad for you but good for you, dysfunctional relationships.

As Always…

Stay Positive!